Mate To His Soul
by WritinginCT
Summary: Jim survived something that would have killed most Sentinels, an intentional hurt from the person whom he should have been able to trust the most... (more summary/notes/warnings in part 1). Jim/Rafe, primary pair, Jim/Carolyn briefly. Written for NaNoWriMo 2012
1. Chapter 1

Title: Mate To His Soul  
Pairing: Jim/Rafe, Jim/Carolyn (briefly), Blair/F  
Warnings: Adult situations (specifically abortion)  
Categories: Drama, angst, hurt/comfort, romance, family, friendship

Notes on the 'verse: This is a Cascade PD-set AU where Sentinels and Guides are known and respected equally. There is a non-evil government agency involved with Sentinels/Guides (both that that seem sort of rare in my consumption of TS fic, but I digress). I'm also expanding a bit on the concept of Guides, Shamans, and Sentinels. In this 'verse you'll find that Sentinels are pretty uncommon but not rare and are of varying levels of abilities, the highest level being Apex Sentinels, a.k.a. tribe-builders. Guides are fairly common and of varying levels of ability. Shamans are rare and deal extensively with the spiritual side of Sentinel/Guide life. Also a running theme in this 'verse is the idea of Sentinel/Guide "traditions", basically some formal, almost archaic actions and interactions among Sentinels/Guides and others.

Notes on Rafe: I'm running with the fanfic-prevalent use of "Brian" as Rafe's first name- I tried writing this without using a first name for him at all but it just wasn't working, so "Brian" it is.

Notes on the plot: Sometimes a plot requires a bad-guy, Carolyn unfortunately got to play that role in this story. I don't hate the character and using her wasn't meant as character bashing by any means; her presence in Jim's life in canon just made her the logical choice to use here. I would also like to say to those that don't know me well that I am _vehemently _pro-choice, however I do think that men sometimes get a really raw deal in situations regarding pregnancies and Jim's opening storyline here is based on something that happened to a male friend of mine before his extremely acrimonious divorce.

Summary: Jim survived something that would have killed most Sentinels, an intentional hurt from the person whom he should have been able to trust the most. Though he survived, Jim was forced to accept the loss of his Sentinel senses. When his senses start to return in the middle of an investigation it will take a quirky Shaman from the university to help Jim regain control over his senses as well as putting him on the spiritual path that will allow him to trust again and accept the Guide that should have been his all along.

* * *

_1994_

Jim lay staying up at the ceiling, sleep eluding him. The loft was quiet, so it wasn't noise keeping the Sentinel awake. Nor was it overly bright, with only a single candle burning on the dresser. And it wasn't the fading musky smell of sex lingering in the room keeping him awake either. No, what was keeping him awake was a dull ache residing somewhere deep in his gut. The ache that told him that his bond with his guide... his wife... his Carolyn was dying and he didn't know how to save it.

For almost a year they had been drifting apart. Carolyn holding more and more of herself back from him and only giving him barely what he needed through their bond to avoid a deep zone-out, nothing more. At the beginning there had been more, so much more. Love and laughter and warmth had hummed along their bond between them. It seemed so solid back then, so sure, like nothing could ever break it or even dull its fire. But things changed, they changed, and that fire had cooled to a lukewarm cinder.

He had tried to make an effort tonight, stopping and picking up some of their favorite Indian food and some roses. He had beaten Carolyn home and set the table with candles and opened a bottle of wine, with some soft jazz playing on the stereo. She had been surprised when she got home, and for the space of a heartbeat Jim felt that old heat flare along their bond before Carolyn locked it down and shut him out once again. The meal had been rife with tension, not at all the romantic encounter he had had in mind. Wordlessly he had stood and blown out the candles before clearing the plates. Carolyn disappeared into the bathroom and he heard the bath running and the smell of her favorite bath salts. With a sigh he had double checked all the door locks and headed up to bed.

An hour later her quiet footsteps on the stairs surprised him, she had taken to sleeping in the small guestroom downstairs for the past few months and rarely shared his bed. At her silent approach he sat up, bracing himself up on his elbows. She reached his side of the bed, her blue satin robe clinging in places to her damp skin. When he had gone to speak, Carolyn had stopped him with gentle fingers on his lips. Tonight she wanted sex and sex alone. He swallowed hard as she reached for the edges of her robe and slipped it off her shoulders. As he reached to pull her to him, he tried to project through their bond all the love and desire he used to remember feeling for her. He tried not to think about how none of that would get through the emotional walls she had so expertly raised even as his own body reacted to his Guide in ardor.

The heat and her touch and her taste were all familiar as he moved inside of her making her gasp and claw at his shoulders as her release hit. But while his other senses basked in the familiar, he noticed that her scent was off, something just not quite right, something just not his Carolyn. He disregarded the realization in favor of letting the momentary oblivion of the first orgasm he had had with her in months take him.

A part of him had silently hoped that maybe this could be a reconnection for them, a fresh start giving them an opening to find their way back to the way they used to be. But as he lay there panting and reached to pull her in close to cuddle against him like they used to do, she turned away from him and laid with her back to him as far away as she possibly could and still be on the same bed.

He lay there with his jaw clenched as she fell asleep on the other side of the bed, feeling nothing but a static hum in their bond. Sleep eluded him as his gut ached and he wished he were strong enough to tell her to leave.

* * *

_2 weeks later_

The crime scene of a double homicide in the living room of a house in an upscale neighborhood was chaos. Blood was everywhere and the howling wind outside was blowing their evidence all to hell through the broken front window.

Jim had caught a whiff of something from the killer when he had entered the crime scene and found himself focusing on it, excluding all else. He didn't know how long he had stood there sniffing the scene and hadn't realized he had zoned out until Carolyn's voice calling his name over and over broke through to his brain.

He still had his sense of smell wide open, however, when he came out of the zone and got a deep inhale of Carolyn's scent. This was the closest physically that they had been since the night she had joined him in bed a couple of weeks ago. It had been as if she had put even more distance between them since that night.

It was always hard coming out of a zone, but to come out of one to the scent of someone he loved, someone he wanted that was holding themselves apart from him was like a punch to the gut. Greedily he let himself inhale some more, this time purposely cataloging it in his mind. He could smell her shampoo and her fake-baby powder scented deodorant and then there were the razor-sharp florals of the new perfume she had taken to wearing. There was something else under all that though, something that was Carolyn but more somehow. He didn't know what it meant but he felt an out-of-place wave of protectiveness crash over him because of it.

* * *

_Another week later_

Jim put on his robe and slipped down the stairs, something felt off in the loft. He checked the doors and made sure the windows were closed. The curtain to the guest room was cracked open, and his sharp eyes took in her sleeping form.

He frowned. There didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary, nothing that should have awoken him from a sound sleep. Yet here he was with an itch crawling up his spine that he couldn't explain.

He went to the window and looked out at the myriad of little lights from the boats on the water. He extended his hearing towards the guest room listening for Carolyn's gentle breathing. His frown deepened as he remembered a time when that sound used to lull him sleep as she slept curled up in his arms. He listened deeper and found her heartbeat. Steady and strong, it beat out the restful rhythm of someone sleeping deeply. He listened for a moment, a panic seizing him when he heard an odd, faster echo-like repeat of her heartbeat. All but positive that something was wrong with Carolyn and that it was what had somehow awoken him, he was on the verge of dialing 911 for an ambulance when he realized that the heartbeat echo was different from Carolyn's and it wasn't coming from her chest, but rather further down in her body.

He focused in on the little staccato beat as the awareness of what it meant spread over him. He was listening to his child's heartbeat- Carolyn was pregnant.

The slow smile grew on his face as he thought about it. A baby- they were going to have a baby. Maybe this was the thing that had been missing between them. Maybe the empty place that had sprung up between them could be filled by a little person with his eyes and Caro's smile.

He wanted to go into Carolyn's room and kiss her soundly and tell her in words and through their bond just how excited he was over the idea of their baby. But Sentinel traditional held him back. He wasn't supposed to be spying on her like this, and traditional held that he was supposed to ignore the pregnancy until his Guide formally announced it to him. It would be hard to do, but he would do his best. He liked the old traditions.

He quietly moved to the couch and made himself comfortable, never losing the sound of the baby's heartbeat, letting himself be lulled to sleep on the couch by it.

* * *

_Three weeks later_

The entire bullpen knew that something was up with Ellison. His mood was too upbeat and nothing seemed to bring him down. Those closest to him, Simon, Henri, Rafe, and Joel, had known for a long time that things between he and Carolyn weren't good and they all wondered about his sudden change in demeanor.

It was Rafe that had quickly shut down a pool among the patrol officers wagering on whether or not Jim had new girlfriend on the side before word got around about it. Rafe's anger over the incident did not help to dissipate the long-held scuttlebutt that the normally jovial Guide had strong feelings for Ellison. Since the first day the Guide had stepped foot into Major Crimes Rafe had been drawn to Ellison like a moth to a flame. He worked well with Jim, not something many people could claim, and often served as a backup Guide to Carolyn for Jim out in the field as he was one of the rare few that could pull Jim back from of all levels of a zone out. Jim was aware of Rafe's feelings for him; Rafe wasn't the first guide to develop feelings for a bonded, unattainable Sentinel. Rafe kept his feelings locked down and their interactions and relationship were strictly cordial and professional. Because of that Jim felt that there was no reason to formally reject the Guide and cause him hurt, it just wasn't Jim's way. But Jim would be lying if he said he hadn't wondered once or twice or fifty times since his relationship with Carolyn had soured what his life might have been like if he had met Brian Rafe first.

Simon had been watching Jim's behavior over the past few weeks. It was like a whole new Ellison was on his squad of detectives. Watching him give the coffee girl a five dollar tip for a fifty-cent stale donut finally put Simon over the edge and he bellowed, "Ellison, my office, _now_."

Jim carefully deposited his ridiculously expensive donut down on his desk and entered Simon's office.

He stood there relaxed with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and asked, "What's up, sir?"

Simon just glared at him a moment before moving to shut the door.

"Okay, Jim, you've got one minute to tell me what the hell is going on with you before I order you down to H.R. for a urine test."

"Nothing to tell."

"I know I look young for my age, but I wasn't born yesterday. Now tell me what is going on."

Jim's expression grew a bit more serious and he replied calmly, "I would if I could, Simon."

Simon frown. "Sentinel thing?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah."

"A good Sentinel thing or an I'd-better-call-the-Department-of-Sentinel-Relations-and-order-up-a-containment-unit-thing?"

Jim snorted back a laugh. "It's a good thing, Simon, and a personal one."

"But you can't tell me what it is?"

"Not yet, but I promise you'll be the first one I tell."

Simon picked up his unlit cigar and used it to point at Jim. "I'm going to hold you to that, Detective. Now get out of here and get back to work."

Jim did just that and Simon sat down and pulled his Rolodex to him. He flipped through it quickly and found the card he was looking for.

He dialed the phone and a male voice answered. "Grant King, Sentinel Relations."

"Grant, Simon Banks."

"Hello, Simon. Don't tell me let me guess, you need to reschedule lunch next week."

Simon chuckled, their lunch date had been postponed four times for one reason or another. "No, nothing like that. I just wanted to pick your brain about something."

An Arbiter for the Department of Sentinel Relations, Grant King was responsible for resolving disputes involving Sentinels and Guides in matters of Sentinel and civil law and also worked on problem resolution between Sentinels and Guides. Simon never hesitated to call him when he had Sentinel-related questions.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"What would fall under the category of a good personal thing that a Sentinel couldn't talk about _yet_?"

"Is this a male Sentinel bonded with a female Guide?"

"Yeah."

Grant laughed. "Well not to ruin the surprise, but it sounds like they are pregnant. Sentinel tradition keeps the Sentinel from acknowledging the pregnancy until the Guide formally shares its existence with him."

"Pregnant? Those two can barely stand to be in the same room together the past six months. I've been waiting for leave requests to cross my desk so they can take the necessary time off to dissolve their bond."

Grant laughed again. "Sounds like they may have managed to be in the same room together at least once, Simon."

Simon grinned. "This would explain his ridiculously good mood these days. I almost sent him for a drug screen."

Grant sobered a little and warned, "Just be careful with them, Simon, your guy especially. Expectant Sentinel fathers are a thousand times more protective of their pregnant Guides than usual. It wouldn't take much to set him off into primal or even feral-like behaviors if he feels his child is in danger. I've personally seen one Sentinel take out a dozen DSR personnel over his pregnant Guide. It can be very serious."

Simon sighed. "Thanks for the heads up. I'll see you next week."

"Call me if you need me."

Simon hung up and shook his head. Sentinels- they were going to be the death of him yet.

* * *

Jim padded down the stairs on silent feet, not waking Carolyn. His hearing was fixed this morning, just like it had been every single morning since he realized she was pregnant, on the fluttering heartbeat of his child nestled in her womb.

Jim had been trying to project his happiness through their bond to her, he just couldn't help himself, and he found himself not caring that it was bouncing right off of Carolyn's emotional barrier.

Then, about a week ago he had noticed the most amazing thing, while Carolyn was still rejecting him through the bond he felt a tiny new connection piggy-backing their bond that was reaching out to him. It felt very, very small and not strong enough to accept much input from him but still he aimed all the love and warmth and security he could through that fragile link, that tiny bond he had to the person who shared his DNA.

Something was a little different along the baby's bond this morning. It took Jim a moment before he instinctively recognized the distinct feel of another Sentinel. Their baby was a Sentinel. It made him want to roar with pride.

A loud roar from the couch somehow did not surprise Jim as he turned to see his spirit animal regally perched on the couch. Jim's eyes met the big cat's for a moment before the panther turned its head to look down at its own tail curled up on the cushion. Jim's gaze followed the panther's movement and he sucked in a surprised breath when his keen eyes made out that there was an impossibly tiny black panther cub hidden among the coil of the big cat's tail. The panther raised its head with what could only be described as a smug look on its face. Jim grinned and nodded in acknowledgment before he moved into the kitchen to start cooking breakfast like he had every morning for the past few weeks.

* * *

Carolyn woke to the smell of coffee and baking blueberry muffins and the happy, contented push of Jim through their bond. She could sense the other bond, the bond between Jim and the baby she carried, a bond that was supposed to be impossible- Sentinels could only have one bond a time. But yet, there it was and she couldn't explain it and wasn't really sure if she wanted to know how.

With a little sigh, she knew it was time. She wouldn't be able to keep pretending she didn't know she was pregnant for much longer.

* * *

Breakfast was a quiet affair as always, her nose in a forensics journal, his in the sports section. Carolyn finished her eggs and put down her fork with a clink that got his attention. Jim looked up expectantly, hoping that she was finally going to tell him that she was pregnant.

Carolyn wiped her mouth with a napkin. She swallowed and hesitated before saying, "I'm going to go visit my sister for a few days. Things are calm at the station and I've got a lot of leave accumulated. Rafe can look out for you in the field while I'm gone."

He raised his eyebrow in surprise, her words not what he had expected to hear. "Something the matter with your sister?"

"Nothing major, just... boyfriend stuff. She could use some girl talk... so I told her I'd come."

Jim heard her heart rate jump and could see the perspiration bead on her lip. She was lying. It made his gut itch.

"I could take a couple of days, go with you...," he offered.

"You can't, you have court on Thursday. Besides, my sister makes you crazy."

Jim saw the determined look in her eyes, knowing she was going whether or no he thought it was a good idea. He stood abruptly and grabbed his plate and headed towards the sink. He put the plate and his mug in the sink. Gripping the edge of the sink so hard his knuckles were white, he forced himself to say, "Call me when you get there, let me know you got there okay."

Carolyn swallowed hard as she took in his body language. His need to coddle her, protect her, was almost a tangible thing between them in the room. She answered softly, "I will."

Jim nodded but didn't turn towards her. He took a controlled breath and let it out before heading towards the door. He grabbed his keys out of the dish and his jacket off the hook and opened the door. He paused and said still without looking at her, "I gotta go."

Without waiting for a reply he left the apartment and closed the door behind him. Carolyn sat staring at that closed door and whispered, knowing the Sentinel would hear her through the door, "Goodbye, Jim."

* * *

tbc...


	2. Chapter 2

_Four days later_

Jim's spirit animal kept randomly appearing in the apartment in a foul mood, pacing around like a caged beast. The panther wasn't the only one pacing, so was Jim. He had zoned on the job three times in Carolyn's absence and though Rafe could pull him out of those without any difficulty, Simon had banished him from the precinct until Carolyn returned. As much as he hated to admit it, Simon did the right thing. He kept zoning as he found himself searching randomly for his baby's heartbeat, which he couldn't find given that Carolyn and the baby were four states away. Even _his_ hearing had its limitations.

He could feel a nesting instinct pulling at him. He prayed that she finally told him about the baby when she got back from her sister's, he wasn't sure how much longer he could suppress his natural instincts and keep pretending that he didn't know about the baby.

He had stocked the kitchen to bursting with all of Carolyn's favorites and even cooked and frozen several meals so she would have something healthier than take-out on the inevitable nights they had to work late and he had also given into his urge to obsessively clean the apartment.

He was in the bathroom frowning at the variety of hair and makeup things Carolyn had left all over the counter. It was an ongoing battle between them. He opened the cabinet drawer to put the stuff away and caught the faint smell of blood mixed with a medicinal scent. Jim quickly rooted through the drawer looking for the source of the odd smell. Tucked way in the back, out of casual sight, he found a syringe and a small glass vial. He stood there starting at them in his hand for a long moment. He didn't recognize the drug on the label.

Leaving the bathroom and taking the syringe and vial with him, Jim went to the kitchen and grabbed the phone book. He quickly looked up the number to a local pharmacy and dialed the phone. A short conversation with the pharmacist later he found out that the vial contained fertility drugs. As he sat there near-zoning on the vial it hit him like a ton of bricks that his Carolyn had been _trying_ to get pregnant. But why didn't she tell him that she wanted a baby so badly? Had they grown that far apart that she thought he would deny her a child? Or maybe she had decided that a baby might just be their last chance to make things work between them, something to bridge that divide they couldn't seem to close.

Whatever her reason, it had worked.

Jim glanced up from the vial and looked around the loft, his mind's eye conjuring up an image of a diaper wearing toddler scampering about. He grinned to himself at the thought and let his mind wander. The loft, while perfect for a couple and even acceptable for a couple with a newborn, wasn't going to work in the long-term for his family. They needed a house somewhere in a quiet and safe neighborhood, something with a yard where they could maybe get a dog, he thought, then grinned wider as he decided that they also needed a pool, his Carolyn loved to lounge near a pool. He made a mental to note to call a buddy of his on the state police, his Guide was a realtor, she'd be able to get the loft sold and find them the perfect little house somewhere. With that thought in mind he pulled the day's newspaper closer and leafed through it looking for the real estate section.

He was engrossed in the listings and the turning of a key in the lock caught him by surprise. He stood and turned, teasing as he did, "You're back early."

Carolyn wasn't alone, Simon was with her as was DSR Arbiter Grant King. Simon and Grant immediately moved out from behind Carolyn and off to the side as to not give Jim the impression that just because they arrived with Carolyn that they were going to automatically side with her. Both men had bright yellow ribbon sashes with a brass DSR medallion hanging around their necks, an outward sign that neither man would say a word unless directly spoken to by Jim or Carolyn, they were there only to officially bear witness to whatever was about to happen between Sentinel and Guide. Neither of them knew what it was all about, they had just fulfilled Carolyn's request to be there without question.

Jim looked at Carolyn's pale, ashen face and tried to connect with her through their bond to find out what was wrong but her damn emotional barriers were back up, stronger than ever. Jim searched for the tiny bond thread to the baby and couldn't find it. Panic rising in his throat, he focused his hearing to search for the baby's heart beat, but he couldn't find it either. It was gone, their baby was just... gone.

The faint scent of blood and antiseptic, hospital smells, wafted in his direction from Carolyn and she wore an air of defiance as he met her eyes.

His hands fisted at his sides reflexively and through a thoroughly tense jaw he asked harshly, "What did you do?"

"I think you know."

A red veil of rage was falling over Jim and he demanded, "I need to hear you say it."

"I had an abortion yesterday."

Jim ignored the sharp intake of breath that both Simon and Grant pulled in upon hearing her words. Instead, he instinctively reached out through their bond and strained his hearing searching, looking in vain to prove her a liar. But there was no bond thread or heartbeat left to find. The instant pain in his chest at the forced acceptance of the loss of his child was worse than any physical pain he had ever experienced.

Jim stood there speechless for a moment, gritting his teeth and jaw, the veins in his neck and forehead near to bursting under the strain. He slowly turned at the waist to the table and picked up the glass vial.

He held the vial up and asked, "Why would you do that if you were taking fertility drugs to get pregnant?"

Grant put the pieces together before Jim did and slowly and subtly put his hand to the taser he had on his belt. Things were about to get ugly, and in his opinion, rightly so. What Carolyn had done was beyond reprehensible. He wished he could say that she had been the first Guide to do this to a Sentinel.

Carolyn didn't answer and Jim's eyes darted from her face to the vial in his hand as the pieces all fell into place for him, too. When they did, he let the red rage take him, not caring if Simon and Grant killed him as long as he killed her first.

With a roar he threw the vial against the brick wall, shattering it. He took a menacing step closer to Carolyn and spat out, "You got pregnant on purpose, just so you could do this."

With a defiant tilt to her chin, Carolyn answered, "Yes."

Faster than either of the other two men could move, Jim had a hand around her throat and slammed her up against the closed front door.

"WHY?" Jim screamed in Carolyn's face.

Grant had the taser out ready to use if Jim crossed the line any further. Jim wasn't completely cutting off her air supply but Carolyn wasn't getting a lot of air regardless. If Jim squeezed any harder Grant was going to have to take him down.

Simon took a different approach and, breaking protocol, reached out to recklessly put a hand on Jim's shoulder as he said calmly, "Jim, let her go."

The touch was enough to grab Jim's attention and he turned his head towards Simon who repeated, "Jim, let her go."

Jim blinked trying to process what Simon was asking of him. He looked to Carolyn's face and back to Simon's. His voice broke as he said hoarsely, "She... she killed my baby, Simon. I can't feel it anymore... I can't hear it. It's gone... it's just gone. I can't find it, Simon, I can't find it."

The pain in Jim's eyes was something that Simon wouldn't have wished on his worst enemy. Simon swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice calm. "I know. But you have to let her go."

Jim turned back to Carolyn and slowly lifted his free hand balling it into a fist as he did, but not making a move to throw a punch.

"Jim, don't do this. Please." Simon begged.

Jim kept his eyes locked on Carolyn's but turned his chin towards Simon. "It hurts, Simon... so much... and I want her to hurt, too."

"I know it does, Jim, but you have to let her go. You're about to cross a line I can't pull you back from. I need you to stand down, Sentinel."

Jim focused fully on Carolyn and loosened his grip around her neck a little. Shaking with the stress of holding back his anger he glared at her and asked one final question. "Why?

In a tired, resigned tone, with no hint of dishonesty or remorse she replied, "It was the only way you'd ever let me leave you."

Abruptly Jim released her without a word. He stepped over to the side of the door and grabbed his jacket and holstered weapon off the coat rack and with a quick step to the right, his keys out of the dish on the little table on the other side.

Wrenching open the door Carolyn was still pressed against, not caring that she almost fell, Jim's voice was full of pain and venom as he spat out, "You got your wish. Get out. If you're still here when I get back, _nothing_ will keep me from killing you."

Without waiting for a reply Jim left.

The moment the door slammed behind Jim, Grant took charge. Holstering his taser he quickly turned to Simon. "Go after him. You know what happens to a Sentinel who loses a child. I'll take care of her."

Simon nodded and headed for the door pulling his police radio out of his pocket. "Glad I thought to bring friendly backup."

Simon left and whatever strength had been holding Carolyn upright left her and she hit her knees and began sobbing.

Grant was angry. Anger was a rare emotion for him, but it flowed through him like a river as he looked down at the sobbing Guide.

Sternly he asked her, "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

Carolyn looked off to the side, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Sentinels that lose a child never recover. Over ninety-nine percent of them kill themselves."

Grant got no reaction from her about that leading him to believe she knew it already.

"Guide Plummer, if Sentinel Ellison dies as a result of your actions I will have you brought up on murder charges. And as it stands I _am_ going to black list you and you will never legally be able to bond with another Sentinel. Now I suggest you get up and pack what you need to take with you."

* * *

Down on the sidewalk near Jim's truck Rafe was pacing. Simon had brought him along thinking Jim might need him depending upon whatever bombshell Carolyn had decided to drop.

His radio finally squawked and Simon gave him some crisp orders without a lot of other information.

Rafe quickly acknowledged Simon as Jim barreled out of the building heading towards his truck.

* * *

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

Jim fumbled his keys as he tried to open the truck. He bent and picked them up only to have them fall through non-responsive fingers. His head was pounding with a screaming static-filled noise that he couldn't block out. He tried grabbing the keys again and found his depth perception wasn't working either. The stale taste of his earlier morning coffee in his mouth became overwhelming and made him nauseous. As he crouched there he could feel the blissful blackness of unconsciousness calling him.

A warm hand came to rest on his back as another hand crossed his wonky vision to deftly pick up his fallen keys. In the next moment a familiar scent hit Jim's nose and the static in his ears faded as he forced himself to focus on a soft voice gently speaking to him.

Jim turned his head and made his eyes focus on the owner of that voice. Rafe's concerned face finally came into view and his words were clear to Jim.

"Back with me, Jim? I'm betting that was all of them this time, huh? Just focus on my voice, I'm right here. That's my hand on your back, my cologne in your nose. You can see me. I'm right here."

Jim blinked, processing Rafe's words.

"Brian?" he questioned softly, his voice edged with the pain still wracking his body.

"Yeah, it's me, Jim. C'mon, let's stand up."

Rafe helped Jim to stand. Rafe could feel the pain and despair bleeding off of Jim that was tinged with a rage so violent, Rafe had never felt its like in his life. Though the two of them had never discussed or even acknowledged it, there _was_ a bond between them as impossible as it was supposed to have been. It wasn't the strong, sure bond of a fully bonded Sentinel and Guide, but it was a bond between Sentinel and Guide nonetheless. It had flared between them the very first time Rafe had pulled Jim back from a zone out in the field a year ago.

The pain coursing through Jim was clearly evident in Jim's body and voice as he reached in a jerky motion for his keys in Rafe's hand and said, "I've got to get out of here."

Rafe's brow furrowed in concern and he closed his fist around the keys. "Okay, but you're not driving. I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but you're not driving like this. You'll hurt someone," Rafe appealed to Jim's protective nature.

Jim acquiesced by stumbling his way to the passenger door of the truck and getting in. Rafe followed and helped Jim with his seat belt. And listening to an uneasy feeling in his gut that he couldn't exactly understand but felt compelled to follow, he slipped Jim's weapon out of its holster and tucked it into his own waistband as he made his way around the truck to the driver's side. It showed just how bad off Jim was that he didn't even notice.

Rafe climbed in the driver's seat and started the truck. Softly he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Jim was staring out the window but not really focusing on much of anything. "Away from here."

Rafe reached over and put a hand on Jim's tense shoulder. "Okay. Away it is."

* * *

Rafe stopped a few hours later at a gas station to fill up. After he filled up at the pump he pulled into a parking spot near the building and prudently pulled the keys out of the ignition. He turned to the deathly quiet Jim in the passenger seat and said lightly, "I need to hit the john. Maybe grab a coffee. You want something?"

Jim's head barely moved in a shake to decline and Rafe opened the door to get out. "Okay, I'll be back in a minute."

Once inside Rafe tried his cell phone only to find he had no signal. He quickly went to the clerk and flashed his badge. "I need to use your phone."

The young clerk didn't hesitate and pushed the phone towards him.

Rafe dialed, glad when Simon instantly picked up. "Banks."

"Simon, it's Rafe."

"Oh, thank god, how's Jim? Where are you?"

"We're just outside of Rimrock. Jim's... man, he's in a bad way. What the hell happened?"

"Look, I shouldn't be telling you this because you weren't asked to witness, but you need to know what happened so you can help Ellison. I need your word that it goes no further than us, got it?"

"Of course, sir."

"You're going to wish you were sitting down, Rafe. Anyway, here's the short version- Carolyn got pregnant on purpose then had an abortion just to make Jim dissolve their bond."

"Holy shit, Simon. That's..."

"I know. Grant King warned me that Jim will become suicidal. It's not a question of if, Brian, but when. You need to secure his weapon if you can. Don't let him hurt himself or anyone else."

"I already did that when we got in the truck because he was so out of it. I don't even think he noticed me lifting it out of his holster. What else should I do? What can I do?

"Grant said that Jim most likely broke his bond with Carolyn immediately, without giving it any time to dissolve slower. His senses are going to be all over the place and he's going to start going through something physically that makes cold-turkey heroin withdrawal look like a walk in the park. He's going to crash soon, son, you should find an emergency Sentinel isolation shelter before that happens."

Rafe ran his hand through his hair and focused in on the clerk. Snapping his fingers to get the young man's attention he moved the phone away from his mouth and asked the clerk, "Are there any emergency Sentinel isolation shelters around here?"

The clerk nodded and answered quickly, "Yeah. About five more miles up on the left, my uncles run the Lakeview Lodge, they've got three Sentinel cabins for emergencies. You need me to call'em and tell'em to get one ready for you?"

Rafe nodded and replied, "Yeah, thanks, I'll be off the phone in just a minute."

Returning to Simon still hanging on the line he said, "Did you catch that, Simon?"

"Yeah, I know the place. Alright, you get him to one of those cabins and I'll connect with Grant and see what other resources you're going to need. We're not really sure who Jim is going to let near him right now, you might be the only one. Are you going to be able to handle that through the long haul? It's going to get bad."

"It's not even a question, sir. I'll do whatever he needs."

"Alright then, I'll find you both as soon as I can get there."

"Okay."

Rafe hung up the phone and pushed it back to the clerk. "Please call your uncles, I've got a Sentinel in big trouble in the truck. We're going to need the most isolated cabin they have. Tell them to make sure it's stocked with food and especially juice or Gatorade, and a lot of extra linens."

The kid gulped and nodded as he picked up the phone receiver.

Rafe threw down a couple of dollars on the counter and grabbed the first bottle of soda his hand fell on in the cooler. He didn't want to walk out with nothing and alert Jim that he had been doing anything other than taking a leak and getting something to drink.

* * *

Jim didn't even noticed when they pulled off the road and into the campground.

A stocky man met them not too far from the entrance. Rafe rolled down the window and the man approached the truck slowly, his hands held up showing that the only thing he was carrying was a piece of paper. He had obviously worked with Sentinels in distress before. As the man reached the window, Rafe understood why, the big man was a Guide.

Softly the man said, "I've got the cabin all set for you. I've marked it here on the grounds map. I left the door open and everything's well stocked. There's a radio on the kitchen counter that connects back to the office here. Someone is always listening so don't hesitate to use it if you need anything. There are a of couple panic buttons around the cabin if something goes wrong. We can be out there in three minutes." The "with tranquilizer guns" wasn't said, but _was_ understood. It was standard operating procedure for anyone with emergency Sentinel shelters.

Rafe took the map the man held out. "Thanks. I'm Detective Brian Rafe of the Cascade police department and this is Detective Jim Ellison. Our captain, Simon Banks, is also on his way out here, if you could point him in our direction when he gets here I'd appreciate it. He's aware of the situation with Jim."

"Will do. Name's Paul Montana."

Paul looked past Rafe to see Jim. Jim's ashen skin was already beaded with cold sweat and Paul could see the bright red hives starting near Jim's collar line. The Sentinel looked oblivious to the world.

Paul refocused on Rafe and asked gently, "Broken bond?"

A look of pain crossed Rafe's face and he replied, "And then some."

"How long ago?"

"About three hours ago or so."

"Okay. I'll get the local Sentinel doctor to come hang out at the lodge tonight. That way he's close by if you need him."

"Thanks for everything, Paul."

"We look out for our own around here, Detective."

Rafe nodded and put the truck in gear.

* * *

tbc...


	4. Chapter 4

Rafe found the cabin alright and managed to man-handle a nearly unconscious Jim out of the passenger seat and through the cabin door.

The interior of the cabin was done in unfinished natural pine save for a small shower stall in corner that was tiled with small beige tile that all but blended into the surrounding pine. The cabin was one big square room with no interior walls enabling a Sentinel in distress to see his entire temporary domain at a glance. Even the shower and toilet were in the open, modesty was the last thing anyone worried about with a Sentinel on the edge. There were large windows on all four walls with thick beige room-darkening curtains that could be quickly and easily closed or opened. A small pine table and two chairs were tucked near the small kitchenette and it's old-fashioned icebox instead of a refrigerator. In fact, there was no electricity at all in the cabin save for the small battery-powered well pump, the single-burner stove was propane as was the small hot water heater for showering.

The queen-sized bed along the wall opposite the kitchenette was Rafe's target upon entering the cabin with his arms tiring from practically holding up Jim's near-dead weight. Carefully he lowered Jim to the bed, noting the natural, unbleached cotton sheets and blankets on the bed. He stood and quickly stretched as he took a quick look around to get the lay of the cabin. He liked what he saw, not every emergency Sentinel shelter was so well equipped.

Rafe looked down at Jim, trying to access his condition. Jim's cold sweats had really kicked in earnestly and the hives on his skin were spreading and were rather violent looking.

Seeing a basin and wash cloths on a handy open shelf, Rafe stepped over towards the kitchenette and saw the promised radio on table. There was also a note that there was a gun safe available outside if needed. Rafe let out a breath through puffed cheeks at that, he had not only his weapon and backup, but Jim's service weapon as well. With a glance at a non-moving Jim, Rafe quickly headed outside to find the safe.

He found the rifle-sized safe with its battery-powered keypad lock on the other side of the cabin, an expensive and frequently needed but often overlooked necessity at an emergency Sentinel shelter. There was a laminated tag hanging on the handle to the safe that held a five digit number with instructions to memorize the lock code and place the laminate in the safe with the weapons. Rafe did just that and part of the huge weight that had settled on his shoulders when Simon had warned him that Jim would become suicidal was lifted. He double checked the safe handle one final time before heading back into the cabin.

* * *

Rafe shucked his jacket, dropping it on a chair back. He paused for a moment then quickly unbuttoned his dress shirt and dropped that on the chair as well. Man-handling Jim would be easier in his undershirt.

He grabbed the basin off of the shelf and filled it partway with cool mountain water, even to his non-Sentinel nose the water smelled clean without the chlorine and other chemicals that municipal water contained. He dropped a washcloth in the basin and moved over to the bedside.

Jim was unconscious. His face was even more greyish than before and the hives were still steadily getting worse.

Rafe deftly unbuttoned Jim's shirt and tried to get him out of his clothes as carefully as he could, his fingers leaving red bruises everywhere he gripped.

Finally Rafe had Jim stripped down to his skin and began to gently sponge Jim down with the cool water. His voice was low and worried as he spoke to Jim as he continued sponging him down. "You're going to get through this, Jim, _we're_ going to get through this, I promise. Just stay with me, hear my voice. Focus in on me."

The pain bleeding off empathically from Jim was nearly overwhelming, but Rafe kept his own emotional barriers down and tried to project good feelings towards Jim even as wave after wave of anger, despair, and heartbreak flowed over him.

For an hour Rafe bathed away Jim's clammy sweat, with at least one of his hands never leaving Jim's skin. He got up to get fresh water in the basin and immediately sat back down at a painful moan from Jim. Jim's hand scrambled to find Rafe's and squeezed it tightly.

Jim opened his eyes and met Rafe's as he croaked out, "Hurts."

"I know. Can you tell me what hurts the most?" Rafe asked softly.

Jim pulled their linked hands over top his heart. "Here."

Rafe didn't know what to say and just squeezed Jim's hand a little tighter. His own heart skipped a beat when Jim implored, "Let me go, it won't hurt then. Just let me go. I'll just zone out and go away. Or give me back my gun and I'll go deep in the woods and do it that way."

Rafe swallowed hard and replied firmly, "Well that's just not happening. You want some juice?"

Jim's reply was to let go of his hand and roll onto his side away from Rafe and curl into a fetal position. A moment later the shakes overtook Jim's body.

Rafe rose and gently covered Jim with a soft cotton blanket.

* * *

An hour later, Rafe was dumping the fourth basin of vomit down the toilet. Jim's body was indeed going through something that looked like heroin withdrawal on steroids. He quickly rinsed out the basin and headed back to the bed.

Jim had long kicked off the blanket, the touch of anything on his skin was like fire, and he was lying on his side near the edge of the bed with his hands pressed tightly to his ears as he softly moaned and rocked back and forth. "Make it stop, please make it stop."

"Shhhh," Rafe whispered as he knelt next to the bed and put the now-clean basin on the floor in easy reach.

Jim reached out and with a vice-like grip on Rafe's wrist pulled Rafe in close and sobbed out, "I can't hear it, all I hear is static. Why can't I find it? Where is it? Please... I just want to hear it one more time."

Rafe was confused and asked softly, "What can't you find?"

Jim's hoarse answer broke Rafe's heart even more. "The baby's heartbeat. Why can't I find it?"

"Shhhh..."

Tears streamed from Jim's eyes and he begged, "_Help_ me. Why won't you help me find it?"

Before Rafe could answer, Jim's stomach rebelled again and he vomited up yellow bile into the basin.

Rafe went through the motions of giving Jim some water to rinse his mouth and standing to go to the toilet to empty the basin once again. When he returned to the bedside he was a little relieved to see that exhaustion had finally claimed Jim and he was asleep. Rafe gently placed the blanket over Jim's broken-bond battered body and went to go stare out a window at the serene countryside.

* * *

There were many among the non-gifted civilian population that erroneously equated being a Guide with being weak, a long-standing assumption that Sentinels were protectors and Guides merely their protectees. It wasn't true of course, Sentinels and Guides were equally strong in their own unique ways.

Brian Rafe had always considered himself to be a strong man, both emotionally as well as physically, and his empathic Guide abilities had continually tested out extremely high. He was not the sort of man, or Guide, that let the horrors that he saw every day on the police force influence him to the point of breaking down. But as wave after wave of pain, anger, and loss hit him from the wounded Sentinel on the bed, Brian felt his own armor cracking.

Brian's tears streamed silently down his cheeks as he stood at the window. He projected safety and affection through their bond to the sleeping Jim, but he held back all of his own worry, anger, and pain. A Guide picking and choosing what emotions to send through a bond wasn't supposed to be possible, it was supposed to be all or nothing, but Brian had picked up the skill shortly after meeting Jim. His need to keep his feelings for Jim hidden had driven Brian to perfect his ability to choose what he shared through their bond. He couldn't afford to let himself slip up, because if Jim ever felt, even once, the true depth of the love and devotion that Brian felt for him, the bonded Sentinel would have been forced to formally reject him. And _that_ was something that Brian would not have been able to bear.

His own anger at Carolyn surprised Brian, he just couldn't wrap his head around what she had purposely done. She could have simply left Jim. No one in the department would have allowed Jim to force her to stay, not that he ever would, he just wasn't that type of Sentinel. It might have been an ugly divorce, but to do this... it was beyond cruel and vicious.

As he roughly brushed away his tears, Brian wished, not for the first or even the hundredth time, that he had met Jim before Carolyn had. There wasn't a single part of Brian that didn't feel that he was Jim's true Guide. He had turned down six highly-skilled, handsome Sentinels since meeting Jim. Brian hadn't even hesitated to decline, though he would have been well matched with any one of them. In his heart he knew that Jim Ellison was it for him, and consciously choosing someone other than Jim just wasn't something he could do. So he kept his feelings under wraps and resigned himself to the shallow, half-bond that had spontaneously formed when he had first helped pull Jim back from a zone-out. It wasn't the bond that his soul screamed for, but if he could have that small connection with Jim or none at all it wasn't even a choice. He silently prayed that it would be enough to get Jim through this.

Seeing Simon's car slowly approaching the cabin, Brian sniffed hard and quickly composed himself as he stepped outside.

* * *

Simon got out of his car and took a good look at the man approaching him. Rafe looked like he had aged ten years since the morning.

"Sir," Rafe said quietly as he stopped in front of him.

"How is he?"

"It's bad. I've never seen anything like it before, not even in the emergency Sentinel care videos DSR puts out. But he's finally asleep, or at least unconscious."

"How are you holding up?" Simon asked with concern in his voice.

Rafe scrubbed his face with his hands and shrugged noncommittally. "I'll be alright. I just can't understand why she did this. Why didn't she come to any of us for help? There had to be a better way, sir, there had to be."

Simon sighed. "I don't know, Rafe. I knew things weren't great between them, but this... I don't know if we'll ever understand why she did it."

"He really wanted the baby."

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. And I think Carolyn knew that he would, counted on it even."

Rafe swallowed and looked away from Simon and out into the woods as he said softly, "He keeps asking me to let him go. He wants to go into a deep zone out and die."

Simon heard the sniff Rafe tried to hide and didn't hesitate to pull the younger man into a tight bear hug. "We're not going to let that happen, Brian. We're not."

The sound of Jim retching in the cabin broke the moment between the two men. Rafe hastily wiped his eyes and said, "I need to get back inside. He's throwing up again."

Simon reached into the car and quickly pulled out a gym bag that he handed to Rafe. "I grabbed your bag out of your locker. The doctor is down at the lodge, I'll go see if he has something he can give Jim for the physical symptoms."

Rafe nodded and headed inside, the sounds of Jim's vomiting replaced by deep keening moans.

* * *

tbc...


	5. Chapter 5

The week was filled with Jim's body rebelling over the broken bonds. Bout after bout of vomiting and diarrhea along with the burning rashes and alternating fevers and cold sweats wracked Jim's normally rock solid body. Although Rafe had never before considered himself to be one, he somehow managed to be a quick study at being a nurse to a Sentinel in need.

Taking care of Jim physically turned out to be the easy part. It was Jim's flares of rage and homicidal anger towards Carolyn alternating with waves of devastating loss and pain over his child that took all Rafe had to get Jim through them.

Each and every one of Jim's repeated pleas to just let him go, to help put him out of his misery were like physical kicks to Rafe's gut.

Simon checked in on them several times a day, but Jim wanted no one but Rafe.

* * *

Day nine brought a change in Jim.

Dawn was just breaking as Jim awoke. He looked around the dim cabin and frowned before seeing Rafe stretched out on the couch, asleep.

On silent feet Jim padded over to the couch and did not hesitate to quickly stretch himself out along Rafe's body, his head tucked in the crook of Rafe's arm. He didn't decide to do it consciously, he just gave in to an instinctual urge.

Rafe awoke in the middle of Jim getting settled but didn't say a word, just nestled a little deeper into the couch to give Jim a bit more room and rested his free hand on Jim's hip.

Jim's hand clutched Rafe's t-shirt and his voice was hoarse as he quietly said, "Brian?"

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"I don't really want to die, you know."

Brian closed his arms around Jim and gave him a little squeeze. "I know. Wasn't gonna let you anyway, Sentinel."

Brian could hear Jim's breathing evening out as the worn-out Sentinel started to fall asleep. Going back to sleep for Brian wouldn't happen for a very long time as his had eyes flown open wide when Jim whispered before nodding off, "You make it hurt less."

* * *

Jim slept a lot. Well not so much slept as his body just gave out on him and succumbed to unconsciousness. In a way, Brian was grateful for those quiet hours, they gave him time to rest his own weary body and settle his mind. Jim's physical pain only added to his emotional pain and he projected it all onto Brian.

A week and a half of the emotional battering had taken its toll on Brian. His lack of appetite had caused him to lose weight and there were heavy circles under his eyes. Jim watched Brian pushing some food around his dinner plate and realized he hadn't actually seen Brian eat anything in two days. He put down his own fork and took a good long look at the exhausted Guide sitting across from him. The flare of worry and guilt that sprang up in Jim was instant and it flowed through their bond before he could even think about blocking it.

Brian met his eyes and gave Jim a forced weary little smile. "I'm fine, Sentinel."

"You're exhausted. You should have said something."

Brian shook his head and repeated, "I'm fine."

Jim gave him a raised eyebrow and stood up. He took Brian by the hand and pulled him out of his chair and over to the bed. He pushed Brian down to sit on the bed and knelt to pull off Brian's shoes. Ignoring Brian's continued protests that he was fine, Jim hoisted Brian's legs up onto the bed and pulled the blanket over him before ordering softly, "Get some sleep, Guide."

Brian moved to get up. "I need to clear up that table, the smell will make you sick if I don't."

Jim put his hand on Brian's chest, halting him. "It's fine, I'll survive. Now I mean it, get a good night's sleep, okay? Please?"

Brian was too exhausted to fight and nodded as he settled into the pillow. Jim went around the cabin shutting off lights and closing curtains to make the room as dark and restful as he could for Brian. He sat down on the couch in the dark and stared at the blanket covered lump on the bed that was Brian. He didn't have the heart to tell Brian that the smell of their dinner remnants wouldn't be bothering him because his keen sense of smell, along all of his other enhanced senses, were offline, completely offline, and had been for two days.

Jim didn't know how he felt about that. If he were honest with himself he didn't know how he felt about a lot of things that had happened in the past week and a half. Two things he knew with absolute certainty: one, that the burning hatred in his gut that he had for Carolyn was never, ever going to go away; and two, that the mournful ache in his soul for his lost child was never going to go away either.

Out of all his convoluted emotions, the ones that were confusing Jim the most were the ones involving Brian. The depth of Brian's devotion to him went far beyond anything that Jim would have ever expected. There was a level of caring and commitment there that was rarely seen even in long-time, fully-bonded pairs. And the way he himself was reacting to Brian, both physically and emotionally, also surprised Jim. Never in his life had he been drawn to another man like he was to Brian. He wanted to blame the circumstances, the trauma, and his body and spirit's desperate need for comfort, but he couldn't. If he were honest with himself the draw had been there from the moment he met Brian, he had just refused to acknowledge it.

Jim finally dozed off on the couch, wishing he could hear Brian's heartbeat to lull him to sleep.

* * *

At the end of their second week at the cabin Jim surprised Brian after breakfast by asking, "Do you want to go for a walk? I think I could use some fresh air."

Brian gave him a little grin, taking Jim's request as a good sign. "Sure, let me find my shoes."

The day was sunny and pleasant. They found a well-worn path and followed it to a large stream, lined with enormous boulders. They sat and watched the water for a while. A half-hour of quiet passed between them before Jim spoke. He kept his eyes on the stream, not looking at Brian, and said, "All of my heightened senses are offline."

Brian's laid his hand gently on Jim's back, warm and supportive. "I thought they might be. It's not unexpected given everything. Your body's had a huge shock and it'll probably take a while before you're a hundred percent."

Jim swallowed hard and asked quietly, "What if they never come back? What good's a Sentinel without his senses?"

"Hey. Look at me." Jim grudgingly complied and Brian continued, "Senses or not, you will always be a Sentinel, and they are not what makes you an outstanding detective. You need to cut yourself some slack, okay?"

Again, without consciously deciding to do it, Jim instinctively reached over and took a hold of Brian's hand. Even as he squeezed Brian's hand tightly, as if to keep him from leaving, Jim said sadly, "You deserve a Sentinel who's whole, not some burnt out emotional basket case like me."

Brian squeezed Jim's hand back and inched a little closer to Jim. "I'm not going anywhere, Jim. Not now and not when we get back to Cascade. Do you hear me?"

Jim sighed and nodded, the conviction practically dripping from Brian's words.

Brian's free hand cupped Jim's cheek fondly and he said sadly, "I wish I had met you first."

Jim closed his eyes and leaned into Brian's touch. His words came out in a choked sob as he replied, "Me too."

That sob started tears in earnest. Brian pulled Jim in tightly and cradled the big Sentinel's head protectively as Jim's anguish poured out of him, yet again.

* * *

By the end of their third week at the cabin, that boulder by the stream had become Jim's thinking place and he visited it often as he tried to work through all the warring emotions inside himself.

A branch breaking behind him drew Jim's attention and he turned where he had been sitting on a boulder, crying again though he would deny that if anyone ever asked. A little red-headed boy, about five years old, was standing there looking at him.

Without waiting for an invitation the little boy fearlessly approached and climbed up on the boulder next to Jim. Jim found his hand moving of its own volition to keep him from falling.

The little boy regarded Jim with a serious expression and reached out a small finger to trace a tear track on Jim's face. In that simple touch Jim felt a gentle brush of a mind against his. The child was a Guide, one that had the makings to be a very strong Guide if Jim were any judge.

Sadly the little boy patted Jim's cheek and at the sight of a large, red-headed man flannel-shirt wearing man on the path to the cabin, clambered down the rock and started to walk away from Jim. He had only gotten a few steps before he turned around and ran back to Jim. Jim bent instinctively to catch the little flying Guide and felt something in his chest ease a little as the boy wrapped his arms around his neck to give him a hug.

Hoarsely he whispered to the child, "Thank you, Guide, I think I needed a hug today."

The boy didn't reply, but he did squeeze Jim's neck a little tighter.

After savoring the hug for another moment, Jim bent down so the child could get his feet under him. With a serious expression on his face he gestured for Jim to lean closer. Jim complied and had to work to keep the hurt off his face as he whispered, "Tell the big black cat that I'll be here when he brings my Sentinel. I'll be bigger but it will be me. Okay? Will you tell him?"

Jim swallowed hard and was barely able to get out a reply, "I'll tell him." He hated himself for lying to the child, but how could he explain to the little boy that Carolyn had aborted the Sentinel he thought he was waiting for?

He nodded and scampered off happily towards his father. His father gave him a pat on the head and pointed him in the direction of the cabin. Seeing that his son was following his directions, the big man stepped towards Jim.

"Sentinel," Jim greeted the other man simply.

"Sentinel. You're looking better than the last time I saw you."

Jim shrugged. "Yeah, I am. It's just taking a while. I'm sorry but I don't remember meeting you. Detective Jim Ellison, Cascade P.D.." Jim steeled himself and forced his hand to extend in greeting.

"You were sleeping when I dropped off some supplies last week. Name's Logan Talbot. Is there anything I can get for you?"

_My child_, Jim thought sadly but didn't verbalize. "No, we have everything we need. Your cabin is probably the best isolation shelter I've ever seen."

The other man grinned. "All my Guide's doing. He, ahh, he lost a lost a good friend when he was younger, and it changed him. Made him a little over-protective when it comes to Sentinels in distress."

Jim snorted. "He should get along well with Brian then; he's mothering me to death."

Logan grinned widened then he paused and tilted his head to listen towards the cabin. Jim tried to force his hearing to reach for whatever Logan was listening to, but it just wouldn't work. His heightened senses were still completely offline.

"Everything okay?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, Adam just tripped over his shoelace. My Guide is handling it."

"Adam?"

"My son that was just here."

Jim forced a small smile. "He's a sweet kid. You're very lucky."

Logan grinned. "He surprised me with you. He's normally really shy, especially around Sentinels."

"You know he's a powerful Guide, right?"

The other man nodded and his expression sobered a little. "Yeah, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't worry me more than a little. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep that to yourself."

"Absolutely."

"Thanks. We just want him to have a normal childhood without a lot of outside pressure for him to bond with a Sentinel. Don't get me wrong, I want him to find his Sentinel and bond, but when the time is right for him."

Jim frowned. "Yeah about that. Um... there's something you need to know...," Jim said and proceeded to tell Logan about what Adam had whispered to him.

"Sounds like we're going to be family someday," Logan replied cheerfully.

"No, we're not," Jim said and began pacing before continuing, "Look, I really don't want to talk about this, _at all_, but I just lied to Adam and you need to be aware of it."

"Tell me, Sentinel," Logan replied simply.

"The reason I needed an isolation shelter is because I found out the day Brian and I came here that my wife purposely got pregnant and had an abortion."

"Jesus christ, Jim," Logan said in horror, his hand absently rubbing his own chest over his heart. He went to say more but Jim put a hand up.

"Like I said, I don't want to talk about it. But you need to know. Adam is waiting for a Sentinel that will never be born. I'm sorry."

Logan nodded. "We'll deal with him on that as time goes by. I'll need to tell my Guide, Paul, if that's all right with you."

"Yeah."

"Jim,... shit. I'm sorry, man, I wish I knew what to say. Is there anything we can do?"

"There's nothing anyone _can_ say, Logan, and like I said, I really don't want to talk about it. There is one thing though..."

"What do you need?"

With a forced smile and a desperate need to change the conversation, Jim asked, "Got any other flavors of Gatorade besides lemon-lime?"

Logan snorted back a laugh. "Yeah, orange or fruit-punch. Take your pick."

"Surprise me."

Logan nodded. "I'll bring some over later this afternoon."

* * *

tbc...


	6. Chapter 6

At the end of their four-week stay, Brian had their bags packed and in the truck and was sitting on the cabin step waiting for Jim to come back from a last visit to the stream. He was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear Jim approach until the big Sentinel said quietly, "Penny for your thoughts?" as he sat down next to him.

Brian shook his head. "Nothing much. Sorta wondering how much paperwork has piled up on our desks though."

Jim forced a chuckle, he wasn't anywhere near ready to go back to work and they both knew it. "Yeah."

"Simon set up an appointment for you tomorrow with a DSR certified lawyer. He's supposed to be the best in the state."

"Good. I hope he can get this all over and done with as soon as possible. I can't be around her, not now, and maybe not ever."

Brian reached over and placed a warm hand on Jim's tense back. "I know. So have you decided what you want to do?"

Jim clenched his jaw briefly, then answered, "Yeah. I want a divorce and..."

"And?"

"And I want her charged with Sentinel abuse."

Brian nodded. It was not unexpected given the rage that still poured off of Jim when he thought about Carolyn.

"I don't think your lawyer's going to have a problem convincing the DSR Arbitration Board about that."

Jim shrugged. "We'll see. So... ready to go home?"

Brian nodded and stood with Jim following suit. Brian looked at the cabin one final time before turning to Jim and brushing his knuckles across Jim's cheek. "No matter what happens when we get back, I will _always_ be there for you. Always."

The strong affection and devotion that accompanied Brian's words through their bond tugged at something in Jim and he didn't hesitate to pull Brian into a tight embrace. "I know. I don't know what I did so right in my life to deserve you, but it must have been something pretty amazing."

Brian sniffed hard and reluctantly pulled away from Jim. "C'mon, let's go home."

* * *

_Two Weeks Later_

"Sentinel Ellison?" a bailiff asked as he stuck his head out of the hearing room.

Jim quickly stood, as did Brian by his side.

"I'm Ellison," Jim replied.

With a little nod the bailiff said, "They're ready for you, sir."

"I'll be right in."

The bailiff stepped back into the hearing room and let the door close behind him leaving Jim and Brian alone in the hallway.

Jim jerked on his tie nervously and with disapproving cluck of his tongue Brian shook his head and proceeded to fix the mangled knot. As he did he asked softly, "You sure you don't want me to go in with you?"

"No. But thanks. Just..."

Brian finished futzing with the tie and gave it a final gentle pat to make it lie flat as he met Jim's eyes. "Just what?"

Jim swallowed and said roughly, "Just be here when I get out."

"I've got nowhere else to be. You should get in there and not keep them waiting."

Jim nodded and inhaled deeply before turning to head for the hearing room door. Even though his sense of smell was that of a normal person, the scent that his mind categorized as "Brian" still helped him relax, and he needed all the relaxing he could get at the moment.

* * *

Jim sat down at a table next to his lawyer, Carolyn was at its twin with her own lawyer across the aisle. Both faced a dais where the Arbitration Board sat convened. Simon and Grant were seated along one wall near the dais.

The Board consisted of two Sentinels, two Guides, and one non-gifted human Arbiter.

The Arbiter lightly tapped a rubber-coated gavel against the desk and called the meeting to order.

"This is the final determination hearing in the matter of Sentinel James Ellison versus Guide Carolyn Plummer-Ellison. Let the record show that both parties are present along with their respective counsel. Both parties have agreed to accept into evidence without objection the sworn statements of Cascade Police Captain Simon Banks, and DSR Arbiter Grant King regarding the events of April 19th, 1994. Let the record also note that both Banks and King are present at this hearing today and available for questions by the Board. That said, I will turn the floor over to Guide Hodgkin as the senior-most board member present. "Guide Hodgkin?"

Guide Hodgkin was a handsome and vigorous man in his early-seventies and was known for being fair and even-handed. He had spent his entire career working for DSR, passionately working to make the playing field level for both Guides and Sentinels. "Thank you, Arbiter Jessup. I would like to say for the record that I have sat cases of all shapes and sizes during my tenure here on this Board but this is by far the _most_ acrimonious display I have ever encountered from another Guide. Sentinel Ellison, I would like to begin my questions by inquiring about your health and state of mind. How are they?"

Carolyn's lawyer let out a little hiss under his breath. Everyone in the room caught it.

Jim cleared his throat lightly and met Hodgkin's eyes. "I am about as well as I can be under the circumstances, sir."

"I understand that you were quite _unwell_ for nearly three weeks, Sentinel, and nearly died. You have completely recovered physically from this ordeal?"

Jim glanced at his lawyer who gave Jim a little nod. Jim looked down at the table top and his voice was low as he replied. "No, sir, I haven't."

"Can you please elaborate, Sentinel?" Hodgkin asked gently.

Had it been the Arbiter or even one of the two Sentinels on the board asking, Jim's hackles would have risen and he would have resisted answering, hearing outcome be damned. But Hodgkin was Guide, and there was an instinctive edge of protectiveness in the old man's demeanor. He wasn't asking to lessen Jim, he was asking because he wanted to help Jim. It was just the nature of Guides and Sentinels, and it gave Jim the courage to answer.

"After spending four weeks in an isolation shelter trying to recover from the broken bonds I've found that I lost my heightened senses. They are completely gone."

There was a sharp intake of breath in the room. This information had not been released to anyone prior to the hearing.

It was the other Guide on the Board, Guide Tanner, a woman in her early-thirties, who cut in before anyone could say anything to asking, "Excuse me for interrupting, but did you say "bonds", Sentinel Ellison? As in plural?"

Jim looked up and met the younger woman's eyes and was for a moment reminded a little of Rafe. He shook off the feeling and answered, "Yes, I was bonded to both Guide Plummer and... my child. The baby she had carried and terminated."

"Impossible," muttered the elder Sentinel on the Board under her breath. Sentinel Waring was in her sixties and had a reputation for being ultra conservative. New or irregular ideas were not her friend.

The younger Sentinel on the Board, Harding, was about Jim's age, he interjected, "Given that there are only three known cases of a Sentinel surviving the loss of a child, one of which is sitting in front of us while the other two refuse to talk about it at all, I think your "impossible" was out of line, Sentinel Waring."

"It's a well established fact that Sentinels can have only one bond at a time. I do not believe what Sentinel Ellison is saying is true."

Harding held his ground against the older Sentinel. "You have no evidence that what Sentinel Ellison is saying is a lie."

"And you have no evidence that what Sentinel Ellison is saying _isn't_ a lie," Waring snapped back.

Before anyone could say another word, a quiet voice spoke. "He isn't lying."

Jim's head whipped around to face the owner of the voice defending him: Carolyn.

Her lawyer tried to shush her but she wouldn't be shushed. Arbiter Jessup asked, "Guide Plummer, you have something on this specific matter that you wish to add?"

Carolyn swallowed hard and nodded. "Yes. Ji... Sentinel Ellison isn't lying."

Guide Hodgkin inquired, "And how do you know this?"

"About a month or so into the... pregnancy, I could feel the other bond. Somehow either Ji... Sentinel Ellison or the... fetus had followed along the bond between Sentinel Ellison and myself and somehow formed a separate bond between the two of them."

"You were aware of this second bond and yet you terminated the pregnancy anyway?" asked Hodgkin.

"Yes."

Hodgkin frowned. "Guide Plummer, I don't know whether to thank you for your honesty or reprimand you further for your actions."

Carolyn's mouth dropped open but she didn't say anything further.

Hodgkin began speaking again and Jim focused his attention on the older Guide that was quickly winning his respect. "Let's continue. So Sentinel Ellison, you had said that after leaving isolation that you found your heightened senses to be gone?"

"Yes, sir," Jim answered plainly.

Jim's lawyer took over at that point and handed documents to the bailiff and said, "I'm submitting reports from three separate DSR certified doctors that have worked with Sentinel Ellison since he returned from isolation. All three have submitted sworn depositions that support Sentinel Ellison's testimony that his heightened senses are gone."

The five Board members and opposing counsel took a few minutes to look through the documents.

When everyone finally looked up from the paperwork Arbiter Jessup asked, "Are there any objections to accepting these into evidence unopposed?"

Each board member gave a nay vote and Jessup looked to Carolyn's lawyer who responded reluctantly, "No objection." Having not one, but three separate DSR specialists confirm that Jim's senses were in fact gone would make it nearly impossible for him to dispute.

"Very well, let the record note that these reports will be entered into evidence without objection."

tbc...


	7. Chapter 7

Hodgkin took the floor again. "Sentinel Ellison, will the loss of your heightened senses affect your current employment?"

"No, sir. Heightened senses or not I'm still a good police detective. My supervisors at the department have been very supportive and my continued employment and standing have been assured." Actually the chief of police had told Simon that he didn't care if Jim needed a hearing-aid and a seeing-eye dog, his best detective was remaining on the job regardless.

"Good. Now, Sentinel Ellison, what would your ideal outcome of this hearing be today? What would you like to see happen?"

Jim looked at his lawyer who nodded, this was an expected question.

"Sir, I would like the Board to formally acknowledge the dissolution of my bond with Guide Plummer and I would ask to be granted an immediate divorce as well. I would also like to request a lifetime restraining order against her and to pursue charges against her for Sentinel abuse."

Carolyn erupted like a volcano at his calm words. "ABUSE? Are you insane, Jim? I never abused you."

Jim turned to her with a deadpan expression and asked in a quiet, deadly voice, "And just what would you call what you did to me?"

Arbiter Jessup pounded the gavel and addressed Jim and Carolyn's lawyers. "Please get your clients under control, counselors."

It took a few moments to accomplish that. And oddly it was Sentinel Waring that spoke first. "Guide Hodgkin, may I ask a question?"

"Yes."

Jim could see that Waring was angry, and it was directed at Carolyn.

"Guide Plummer, I believe Sentinel Ellison's question had merit. If you do not feel that your actions were abusive towards your bonded Sentinel, just how exactly would classify them?"

"A way to get out. He would never have let me go otherwise."

Waring narrowed her eyes and Jim was willing to bet that the older Sentinel was reading Carolyn's most minute body language tells to see if she were lying.

Waring asked, "So you had, in fact, asked your Sentinel for a dissolution of your bond that he denied?"

"No."

"Did you ever discuss with your Sentinel that you were unhappy and wanted to leave?"

"No. But he knew I wanted to leave him."

"Guide Plummer, I have been a Sentinel for over fifty-five years and I can promise you that for all our heightened senses, we _still_ are not mind readers," Waring turned towards Hodgkin and continued, "Thank you for indulging me, Guide Hodgkin, the floor is yours once again."

Hodgkin nodded and focused back on Jim. "Sentinel Ellison, I don't believe you were finished speaking before we were momentarily sidetracked. You are, in fact, interested in pressing charges of Sentinel abuse?"

Jim took a sip of the water his lawyer poured for him before answering. "Yes, sir, and especially the lifetime restraining order."

"Why that specifically, Sentinel?" Hodgkin asked.

Jim ground his teeth together briefly before answering. "Because being near her makes me homicidal. I can't shut off the emotion it and it takes a tremendous amount of effort to even just sit here civilly in the same room with her."

"Rightly so," muttered Waring.

At Hodgkin's glare, Waring just shrugged, completely unapologetic.

Turning back to Jim, Hodgkin asked, "Guide Plummer claims that you would never have let her leave you. Is that true, Sentinel?"

"No, sir. I could tell our relationship was in trouble, and I tried to... reconnect I guess you could say. I tried to be more romantic, more supportive, but everything I did seemed to make the distance between us grow. It was to the point where we rarely spoke to each other at home and at work she would only give me the bare minimum through our bond to keep me from zoning out. Looking back now I wish I had been a strong enough person to be the one to suggest we separate, but I wasn't, and she never asked, sir, not once. If she had, it would have been hard, but I would have let her go. All I ever wanted for her in our marriage and our bond was for her to feel safe and to be happy. I had honestly hoped that the...," Jim swallowed hard before continuing, "baby might have bridged that distance between us. And when I found the fertility drugs in the drawer I figured it was just her way of not knowing how to tell me what she wanted, what she needed. But apparently she had other plans. Like I said, sir, I wish now that I had been stronger, but I also wish more than anything that she would have just _asked_ me to dissolve our bond."

Hodgkin jotted down a note and when he was finished he focused in on Carolyn. "Guide Plummer, I have some questions that I would like simple yes or no answers to. I'll start by verifying, even though it's been asked before here today, did you ever ask Sentinel Ellison to either dissolve your bond or end your marriage?"

Carolyn's voice was low as she replied. "No."

"And did you purposely seek out and take fertility drugs looking to become pregnant by Sentinel Ellison?"

Carolyn looked to her lawyer and at his nod answered, "Yes."

"Was it ever your intention to take the pregnancy to term and deliver Sentinel Ellison's child?"

"No."

"Was the sole purpose of the pregnancy and its subsequent termination to get Sentinel Ellison to break his bond with you?"

"Yes."

"You stated earlier that you were aware of a second bond between the child and Sentinel Ellison, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Were you aware of the physical effects of a broken bond on a Sentinel?"

"Yes."

"Did you consider that your actions would result in Sentinel Ellison suffering these effects for _both_ bonds?"

"Yes."

Jim met Guide Tanner's eyes across the room and it didn't take a Sentinel to see that the young Guide was very distressed over what had happened to him.

Hodgkin continued. "Were you aware of the rate of suicide among Sentinels that lose a child?"

"Yes."

"Were you hoping that Sentinel Ellison would take his own life?"

The part of Jim that had once loved Carolyn wanted her to say no, and it wasn't unlike a kick to his gut when she didn't and instead responded, "I didn't care."

Non-Sentinel ears could have heard a pin drop.

Finally Guide Hodgkin cleared his throat and said. "I have no further questions. Guide Tanner, do you?"

Guide Tanner was furious. She took a sip of water from the glass in front of her and nodded. "Thank you, Guide Hodgkin. Guide Plummer I only have one question for you. Did you _ever_ love your husband?"

Carolyn paused and considered her answer. "I was in love with the idea of having a husband."

Tanner nodded, Carolyn's words another log on fire of her anger. Tanner fixed on Jim and asked, "Sentinel Ellison, would you ever bond with another Guide?"

Jim thought for a moment and answered quietly, "I could probably find a Guide that I could partner with on the job and bond with platonically, but I'll never bond again romantically. I just don't see myself ever trusting anyone like that again."

Tanner nodded and said, "I have no further questions. Sentinel Waring?"

The elder Sentinel replied, "I've heard all I need to hear. No questions. Sentinel Harding?"

Harding glanced at his notes before looking to Carolyn. "Guide Plummer, how long had you been planning your course of action regarding the pregnancy and abortion?"

Carolyn swallowed hard. "Eight months."

"In that eight months or even before, did you approach anyone for help in getting a dissolution of your bond with Sentinel Ellison?"

"No."

"Were you aware that DSR has Arbiters that could have assisted you?"

"Yes."

"And yet you didn't seek one out for help?"

"No."

Harding noted something down and looked up to meet Jim's eyes. "Sentinel Ellison, how often were you and Guide Plummer intimate prior to the events of April 19th?"

Jim looked very uncomfortable with the question and his attorney quickly whispered in his ear. Frowning at his lawyer, Jim turned back towards Harding and answered, "In the last year we've had sex three times."

"Was that your choice or hers?"

Jim gritted his teeth for a moment before replying. "Hers. Just like it was her decision to stop sharing our bed ten months ago."

"Have you ever raised your voice to Guide Plummer? To clarify, I mean outside of the incident of April 19th."

Jim shrugged and answered, "Yeah, a couple of times. But I would point out that they were mutually loud arguments, it wasn't just me yelling."

"So noted. Sentinel Ellison, did you ever hit or otherwise injure Guide Plummer, again outside the incident of April 19th?"

The disgust was evident on Jim's face. "No. Never."

Harding lifted a page from his stack and looked it over before asking, "Never, Sentinel? I have here an injury report from the hospital emergency room shortly after you were married. It states that Guide Plummer was admitted with a fractured wrist. Do you not consider a fractured wrist to be an injury, Sentinel Ellison?"

Jim looked over at Carolyn's table in confusion and saw her lawyer smirking. He schooled his own emotions and turned back to face Harding.

"If you had been given the entire report, Sentinel Harding, which I am willing to bet you weren't, you'd see that the broken wrist was an accident."

Sentinel Waring had been watching Carolyn's lawyer and had also seen his smirk. Before Harding could say anything further she asked Jim, "I think I'd like to hear the details of this incident, Sentinel Ellison, please elaborate."

"It happened on a Sunday night. Earlier in the day my wi... Guide Plummer had gone shopping and purchased a new throw rug for the kitchen and put it down. Fast forward to dinner time and we were in the kitchen and..." Jim paused and flushed.

"Sentinel Ellison?" Waring prompted.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable talking about my personal life like this," Jim replied.

"I understand, but please continue."

"We were newlyweds, and it didn't take much for us to become... amorous. Anyway, we were kissing, and I went to lift her up to sit on the counter but when I did, that damn new rug slid on the floor and I lost my footing. Both of us ended up on the floor. We went to the emergency room because she had caught her arm on the edge of the counter as we fell. It was an accident."

All of the Board members looked to Carolyn and her attorney. Waring asked icily, "Is that an accurate telling of the events leading up to your hospital visit and fractured wrist, Guide Plummer?"

Carolyn swallowed hard, but didn't lie. "Yes. That is what happened."

Waring addressed Carolyn's lawyer next. "Counselor, this is the sort of dirty trick I would expect in civil divorce court, not at a DSR hearing. You may expect consequences for your actions," turning to Harding she said, "Sentinel Harding."

"Thank you, Sentinel Waring. And for the record, I apologize to Sentinel Ellison for my questions regarding the emergency room visit, it appears that we were purposely misled."

Jim nodded in acknowledgment and Harding continued. "My next question is one that needs to be asked, Sentinel Ellison. Prior to the April 19th incident, did you in any way make Guide Plummer fearful for her own safety, either physically or mentally through your bond?"

"No. I am a Sentinel and I know I can be a little possessive and overprotective and I'll admit that I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I never set out to _intentionally_ to cause her any hurt or fear."

"Were you ever unfaithful to Guide Plummer?"

"No."

"That's a lie," Carolyn hissed.

Harding raised an eyebrow at her remark. "Guide Plummer, do you have something you wish to add?"

Carolyn looked over to Jim with ice in her eyes and said coldly to Jim. "Brian Rafe."

* * *

tbc...


	8. Chapter 8

Arbiter Jessup pounded the gavel looking for order. Harding turned to Jim and asked, "Isn't Brian Rafe the Guide that was with you in isolation, Sentinel Ellison?"

"Yes. Guide Rafe is a fellow detective who works with me in Major Crimes."

"Were you intimate at any time prior to your isolation period with Guide Rafe?"

"No, sir. We work together and while we are friends, like I'm friends with the rest of the guys in my department, he and I have a strictly professional Sentinel-Guide relationship. He is the only Guide besides Guide Plummer that is able to pull me out of a deep zone and because Guide Plummer preferred not to work by my side in the field, Guide Rafe was assigned to work with me for safety reasons."

"Guide Plummer, what is the basis for your accusation?"

"Rafe is in love with Sentinel Ellison. Everyone at the station knows it. And Ji... Sentinel Ellison refuses to formally reject him. Given that plus the amount of time they spend alone, I am positive that they have a physical relationship."

Harding asked Jim, "Sentinel Ellison?"

"I have never been unfaithful to Guide Plummer. As I stated before, Guide Rafe and I have a strictly professional relationship."

"Does Guide Rafe have feelings for your outside of that professional relationship?"

"Yes. I am aware that he is attracted to me personally as well as as a Sentinel, but he keeps that to himself and they do not interfere with our working relationship."

"Yet, according to Guide Plummer, you refuse to formally reject him. Why?"

"Because I do not see a need to cause the man pain and embarrassment with a formal rejection. He is a friend and someone I rely on not only as a Guide when my senses spike, but also as a fellow police officer. I know there are some that seem to think that the needs and feelings of Guides are somehow lesser than those of a Sentinel, but I'm not one of them. I'm also not one to put the unfounded jealousies of a bonded Guided over the dignity of a unbonded Guide. I respect Guide Rafe and I will _never_ formally reject him."

Jim's eyes flicked over all the Board members and he found little grins curling the lips of Guides Tanner and Hodgkin.

"So is "respect" the new euphemism for what happened between you two in the station showers a few months ago? I still put up with whispers about that around the station," Carolyn spat out.

Jim's eyes flashed to Simon's. Simon's face was awash with confusion.

Harding looked stupefied, and Waring stepped in to ask. "Sentinel Ellison, do you know about whatever incident this is that Guide Plummer is referring to?"

Jim nodded. "Yes, but quite honestly I don't remember a good portion of that day."

Simon raised his hand.

Waring acknowledged him, "Captain Banks, do you have something to add regarding this issue?"

Simon replied confidently. "Yes, I most certainly do. And for the record on that day I was physically with Detectives Rafe and Ellison from the time we left the crime scene until Lieutenant Plummer collected Ellison later at the emergency room."

"So noted, Captain. Please tell us what happened."

Simon took a deep breath. "It was a bad case. Rafe and Ellison were at a little bodega looking for witnesses to a robbery across the street when the gang responsible pulled a drive by and sprayed the bodega with automatic weapons fire. The bodega owner was killed instantly. His six-year old son took a bullet in the abdomen. Ellison tried to save the boy, to stop the bleeding, but he couldn't and the boy died in his hands. When I arrived on the scene a few minutes later, Rafe and the EMTs were trying to get the boy away from Jim, but he was in the worst zone out I had ever seen him in. Rafe was finally able to break through to him a little, enough to get Ellison mobile, and I drove the two of them back to the station. Ellison was covered with the boy's blood and we, meaning Rafe and I, decided that getting Ellison cleaned up was a priority."

Waring nodded. "Where was Guide Plummer during this?"

"She was out at another crime scene, but had been informed of the situation. She chose to stay at her crime scene and not return to the station to help with Ellison."

"So then what happened?"

"Rafe and I took Ellison to the locker room. _I_ got Jim stripped down to his skin while Rafe stripped himself down to his own boxers and t-shirt. We pushed Jim under a shower and Rafe stood next to him and gave him a soapy washcloth and ordered him to scrub. Over and over Rafe took that bloody washcloth to rinse and re-soap it before giving it back to Ellison."

"Was Guide Rafe's contact with Sentinel Ellison ever sexual or what you would consider to be inappropriate?"

"No. Never. Don't take this the wrong way, but Jim wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders. Rafe just kept giving him simple instructions like scrub, rinse, you missed a spot, that kind of thing. The longest point of physical contact between them during the shower was when Rafe had to hold Jim's shaking hand steady to put some shampoo in it. Once Jim was clean of all the blood, he got out of the shower where he toweled _himself_ off before getting _himself_ dressed. There was absolutely no sexual contact and I'm offended that anyone would think that taking care of a fellow officer in need would ever be _inappropriate_."

Harding nodded. "I understand, Captain. Now you mentioned the emergency room, why did Sentinel Ellison end up there?"

"He went into shock, couldn't stop the shakes, and nothing Rafe or I tried to do helped, so we packed him off to emergency. What did they call it? Oh, yeah, Sentinel Adrenaline Fatigue. They said it wasn't uncommon in cases of extreme stress. Needless to say, having a six-year old bleed out under your hands qualified as extreme stress."

Hodgkin spoke up in response, "And then some, Captain. Most bonded Sentinels never experience SAF, well, to clarify, most bonded Sentinels whose bonded Guides are beside them in the field never experience SAF. I'm surprised Guide Rafe was able to reach him at all that day, they must have a very strong working relationship."

"Guide Rafe is an asset to the department. Besides working well with Ellison, he's never hesitates to help the other Sentinels in the department if need be. He's a good man and I count myself lucky to have him under my command."

Arbiter Jessup addressed the Board, "Any further questions for Captain Banks?"

The nays were unanimous and Jessup returned the floor to Harding.

Harding tried to find his place in his notes and gave up. He turned to Carolyn and asked, "Do you like being a Guide?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you like being a Guide? Is it something you are content with in life?"

"I never really thought about it."

"If you could choose, would you be a Guide?"

"No."

"Thank you, Guide Plummer," Harding said with a hard look to his eyes before turning to Jim, "Sentinel Ellison, do you like being a Sentinel?"

"Not at first. But then I came to realize that I could use my senses to help people and protect them and somehow that made all the little inconveniences that came with being a Sentinel worth it. But with my heightened senses gone, whether I like being a Sentinel or not is a moot point, I'm not really a true Sentinel anymore am I?"

"Thank you, Sentinel Ellison," Harding replied somberly and turned to Jessup, "I have no further questions."

Jessup nodded and replied, "Thank you Sentinel Harding. I have a couple of final questions. Guide Plummer, did you at any point in your relationship with Sentinel Ellison actually _want_ to have his children and have a family with him?"

"No."

Jessup noted something down and turned his attention to Jim. "Sentinel Ellison, did you want to have children with Guide Plummer?"

Jim nodded. "Yes. I thought she was beautiful and smart, not to mention a gifted Guide. I thought that we would have had incredible children together...," Jim paused and clenched his jaw briefly before adding, "we _had_ an incredible child together."

Jessup's voice was kind as he replied. "Thank you, Sentinel. Any final questions from the Board?"

There weren't any and Jessup addressed the room with a bang of his gavel, "This hearing is now in adjournment so the Board may deliberate. We will re-adjourn at three o'clock."

The Board members left through a rear door to start their deliberations while the bailiff showed Simon and Grant out through a side door. The room was set up with many doors and adjoining hallways, Sentinel hearings could sometimes get very heated and it was in everyone's best interest to have separate entrance and egress points.

Carolyn's attorney quickly shuffled her out of another door on their side of the room and when it closed behind her, Jim let out a tense breath.

Jim's lawyer patted Jim on the shoulder. "That went very, very well for us, Jim. I think we're going to get everything we wanted and probably a little more."

"What do you mean?

The lawyer stuck his stack of papers in his briefcase and replied, "Don't forget, Jim, they can hand down punitive sentences as well as civil-type judgments. She could end up facing jail time."

"Would they?"

"If I'm reading the Board members right, all of them are pissed over what she did, and she shows absolutely no remorse. I don't doubt that you're going to walk out of here later a single, un-bonded Sentinel with a lifetime restraining order in his pocket. You did very well keeping your cool today. It made my job a lot easier and looked good to the Board."

"I just want this over with and I never want to see her again."

The lawyer nodded. "I know. Now if you don't mind my asking, how are you feeling? You're a little pale around the gills."

"My head's pounding but that's nothing new, it's going to take a few more weeks before that stops according to the doctors."

"Well, go get some lunch, and some air. That'll help."

"Yeah."

* * *

tbc...


	9. Chapter 9

Jim and Brian had grabbed a couple of sandwiches and went out into the small, well-maintained private garden behind the DSR headquarters. It was quiet and peaceful, something Jim desperately needed.

Brian swallowed a bite of his sandwich and wiped his mouth before saying, "I can't believe she brought up the shower incident. Really?"

"Yeah. I think she's been very jealous of you for a long time," Jim replied calmly.

"But...,"

"I know. She had no reason to be. But no one ever claimed that jealousy was reasonable."

"True. So did you tell them about this... thing between us?" Rafe asked hesitantly.

"No, they didn't ask and I didn't offer. For the record, this "thing" between us is a bond, let's call it what it is, and it's no one's business but ours. Even with my senses gone, you help keep the rest of my Sentinel drives under control and I need that."

Brian nodded and popped the last bite of his sandwich in his mouth.

The two men finished their lunch in companionable silence and waited impatiently for three o'clock to come around.

* * *

From his second story office, Guide Hodgkin looked down at Sentinel Ellison and the handsome man he'd be willing to bet was Guide Rafe.

The deliberation had been quick and dirty, taking about thirty minutes in total, most of that time being spent by all of the Board members voicing their disgust at Guide Plummer's actions.

He heard the door open behind him and didn't turn around as Guide Tanner put a tray down with their lunch.

She stepped over to the window beside him to see what he was looking at. "Is that Guide Rafe?" she asked.

"I believe so. Sentinel Ellison is very comfortable around him and given how much stress he was under earlier, I don't think he would be comfortable with many others right now."

"Sir, do you think Ellison's an...," Tanner started to ask but hesitated.

"Yes. I do. But you're the unbonded Guide, you tell me. What do you get from Ellison?"

"He seems... fragile at the moment, but very strong if that makes any sense. He makes me feel safe just being around him and not just physically safe, but mentally. He seems like the type of Sentinel that...," she trailed off.

"That what?" Hodgkin prompted.

"That would take care of and protect a Guide even if it wasn't his but at the same time there's something about him that calls to me and makes me want to comfort and protect _him_."

"It sounds like you would bond with him given the chance," Hodgkin replied.

"If that's what it feels like when you finally meet a Sentinel who you want to bond with, then yes, I would," Tanner answered a bit wistfully.

Hodgkin reached over and gently took the hand of his protege. "When was the last time you actively looked for a Sentinel of your own, Allison?"

"Almost a year."

"Perhaps it's time for you to try again," the older man said gently.

Tanner shook her head. "You know the likelihood that a Guide in my situation would ever find a Sentinel. Most Sentinels that are actively looking for a Guide _want_ a sexual relationship, and I'm just not able to do that. A Sentinel who would accept a platonic bond is rare, so I gave up looking. The disappointment in meeting compatible Sentinels who can't accept me the way that I am is worse than the wanting. I'll be okay."

Hodgkin gave her hand an extra squeeze, the conversation one that they had had many times before.

They stood and watched Jim and Brian for moment. Tanner broke the quiet by saying, "My heart breaks for him. What she did... and then the loss of his senses. It's too much for one Sentinel to bear."

"All of us feel that way. But somehow I don't think we need to worry about Sentinel Ellison. Look, " he said and gestured to where Jim and Rafe were still sitting outside. Rafe was speaking to Jim in a very animated way with lots of hand gestures and faces, somehow whatever tale he was telling actually made Ellison smile.

Tanner laid her fingers on the glass of the window and whispered, "I hope he takes care of him."

With a little snort, Hodgkin asked, "Do you mean you hope Ellison takes care of Rafe or Rafe takes care of Ellison?"

Tanner turned towards him with an impish grin and teased, "Yes."

* * *

Once again Jim and Brian stood outside the hearing room. Brian's hand was between Jim's shoulder blades, rubbing slow, soothing circles. He knew Jim had to be exhausted, both physically and mentally, not to mention dealing with the screaming headache that descended on him every afternoon almost like clockwork.

The bailiff stuck his head out and indicated it was time. Brian felt a huge flicker of anxiety from Jim and frowned.

Jim swallowed nervously and asked Brian in a low voice, "Stay with me?"

Brian nodded. "As long as you need me."

In that same low voice Jim asked, "Whatever happens, don't let me lose control and kill her. I had to fight it all morning. I don't know if I have anything left in me to fight it right now."

Brian stepped in front of Jim and gently took the big Sentinel's face in his hands. "I won't let you lose control, Sentinel, I promise. Push _all_ that anger to me in there, I can handle it. Okay?"

Jim saw the sincerity in the Guide's eyes and nodded his agreement even as he hated himself for being too weak to not have to project his homicidal rage onto the one person who didn't deserve it the most.

* * *

Jim entered the hearing room with Brian a half-step behind him. Carolyn's snort of disgust seemed to echo through the entire room.

Jessup lightly tapped the gavel and Jim's wincing confirmed to Brian that Jim's daily headache was in full force.

"This hearing is now in back in session. All previous parties are in attendance and, in addition, Guide Brian Rafe is in attendance with Sentinel Ellison. Guide Hodgkin will be delivering the Board's determination."

Brian could feel Jim's anxiety growing through their bond and without caring how it looked to anyone in the hearing room, he placed his hand on Jim's back and began those same grounding circles with his hand as he had been doing out in the hallway. Tanner met Brian's eyes and gave him a faint smile of encouragement.

Hodgkin picked up a piece of paper and began. "The following is the unanimous decision of this Board in the matter of Sentinel James Ellison versus Guide Carolyn Plummer-Ellison. We hereby order the immediate acknowledgment of the dissolution of the bond between Sentinel James Ellison and Guide Carolyn Plummer. We also grant Sentinel Ellison's request for an immediate divorce, each party will retain their individual bank and credit card accounts, retirement funds, and automobiles as listed in the pre-hearing documents. Sentinel Ellison shall retain ownership of his apartment which was purchased prior to the marriage. Personal items and household goods shall be divided as per the lists submitted by each party prior to this hearing and in the event that there is overlap, the items in question shall be retained by Sentinel Ellison. There is no alimony awarded on either side."

Hodgkin paused and took a sip of water and Jim let out a breath. He had been half afraid of having to either give Carolyn the loft or sell it to split the proceeds with her.

Hodgkin lightly cleared his throat and continued. "It is this Board's unanimous decision that Guide Plummer did willfully commit acts that were, without question, the abuse of a Sentinel. For that offense, Guide Plummer is to be barred from ever legally bonding with another Sentinel as long as she lives and is also ordered to attend two years of weekly abuse counseling by a DSR certified therapist with quarterly assessments every quarter for ten years thereafter. Due to the nature of this offense, we also grant Sentinel Ellison a lifetime restraining order against Guide Plummer. Once this hearing is adjourned today, Guide Plummer is not come within two hundred yards of Sentinel Ellison unless their mutual presence is required at a DSR facility with both parties being notified in writing beforehand."

Carol was fuming and she asked icily, "What about my job, my career? We work in the same building."

Brian felt a red wave of anger course through his bond with Jim and did his best to quickly disperse it away from Jim.

Hodgkin put the paper down and leveled a flat glare at Carolyn. "Let's be very clear about something, Guide Plummer. There is not one member of this Board who excused _any_ of your actions. You are not the victim here. You are an educated and independent woman of means who could have availed herself of any number of legal avenues to be separated from a consensual, non-abusive bond with her Sentinel. Instead, you chose to knowingly do something to your Sentinel that could have, in all likelihood, resulted in his death. You chose a particularly cruel and physically painful way to hurt your Sentinel to force him to break his bond with you without caring if he lived or died as a result. What the Cascade Police Department decides to do about the restraining order will be up to them, but given that your actions not only nearly killed Sentinel Ellison but caused the loss of his heightened senses as well, do not expect much sympathy over _your_ career, Guide Plummer."

Sentinel Waring cleared her throat and met Hodgkin's eyes and said, "Perhaps, Guide Hodgkin, we should get back to the overall decision."

"Of course," he replied and picked up his paper once again and began, "We order that Guide Plummer be held financially responsible for the emergency Sentinel isolation shelter usage fees incurred by Sentinel Ellison after the events of April nineteenth of this year. We also order that should Sentinel Ellison's senses return and he again needs the services of an emergency Sentinel isolation shelter to settle himself, that Guide Plummer will be held responsible for those usage fees as well."

Brian was surprised to feel a bit of amusement through the bond from Jim but then he remembered Jim telling him how tight Carolyn was with money; this judgment would hit her right in the pocketbook.

Hodgkin continued, "Sentinel Ellison, this next directive is for you and I would note that this is strictly procedural and not punitive in any way. You are hereby ordered to attend a minimum of twelve weeks of counseling with either a DSR certified therapist or Shaman of your choice. This is a standard directive for any Sentinel experiencing a loss of his or her heightened senses."

Jim nodded and Brian felt the acceptance through their bond. It was an expected thing, something strictly by the book.

Guide Hodgkin put down the paper he had been reading from and folded his hands on top of it. "That concludes today's judgment. Are there any questions from either party?"

Jim's lawyer looked at him and he shook his head, he had gotten everything he had asked for and more.

When both lawyers had responded in the negative, Jessup adjourned the hearing with another stroke of the gavel.

Carolyn and her lawyer quickly exited the hearing room and Jim turned to Brian.

"It's over," he said softly, the relief he was feeling flowing through their bond.

Brian nodded and replied, "It's over. C'mon, let's get you home so you can lay down and get rid of that headache."

* * *

tbc...


	10. Chapter 10

Note: Sorry for the delay! I have been diligently working on this story (I'm up to 35k words in total) but my brain decided to fixate on writing scenes from later on in the story. I'm trying to get myself back on a linear track, but I think when those scenes are posted you all will really enjoy them and I'm glad I worked on them when I was so inspired. -CJ

* * *

_Two days later_

Brian slipped his shoulder holster off of the coat rack peg and started to put it on. He looked over to Jim who was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the unread newspaper next to it. Jim was overly quiet and was unintentionally projecting a little anxiousness through their bond. Casually Brian asked, "You sure you're ready for me to go back to work?"

Jim picked up his mug and put it back down without taking a sip. Brian had been staying at the loft since they returned from the cabin. Jim had quickly found that he liked having Brian in his space, his territory. They meshed well together as living companions, both being tidy and quiet as a rule. They enjoyed similar books and sports, and in fact, the only tics in the Brian con column were his abysmal taste in prime-time television comedies and his love of modern pop music, two things Jim could see Henri Brown's influence all over. All in all, having Brian living in the little spare room under his was idyllic and Jim wasn't sure that he wanted it to end. Brian going back to work at the precinct was the beginning of that end in Jim's mind and it had him a little on edge. He wasn't looking forward to being alone again.

Jim nodded. "Yeah. I'll be fine. Simon really needs you back on duty. They're stretched pretty thin with both of us out."

Brian tugged on his holster to adjust it before reaching the table drawer for his service weapon. "Okay. You _will_ call if you need me right?"

Jim chuckled, feeling the honest concern from Brian through their bond. "Yes, mother, I will call."

"So what have you got planned for today?" Brian asked as he pulled on his sports jacket.

Jim stood and took his mug to the coffee pot for a refill. "I've got a follow-up appointment with Doctor Pearson about the headaches at ten, then I thought I would head down towards the marina for my daily dose of people and fresh air. Maybe get us a of couple lobsters for dinner."

All three of his Sentinel doctors had advised Jim to spend a couple of hours a day outside the loft to get himself used to being around people and using his normal senses again. It was tough but Jim was forcing himself to do it regularly.

"Lobster sounds good," Brian replied as he laid a warm hand on Jim's shoulder, "Alright, I'm going. I'll call if I'm going to be late."

Jim forced a smile, "Who are you kidding you're going to call at least three times to check up on me."

Brian grinned. "Nah... only twice."

* * *

_A week later_

On a sunny Saturday, Jim was at the park sitting on bench quietly watching the activity around him when a familiar voice from behind him asked, "May I join you, Sentinel?"

Jim turned to see Guide Hodgkin standing there and he smiled. "Guide Hodgkin," he gestured to the bench beside him, "Please."

Hodgkin settled himself down. "For the record, we are not monitoring your actions. I had called your home a while ago and Guide Rafe told me you were here."

Jim nodded. "I didn't think you were. I come out here a couple of hours a day. The doctors think it will help me to re-acclimate to using my normal senses and get back to being around people again."

"_Does_ it help?"

Jim shrugged. "Fresh air is always good."

A happy toddler missed catching a ball that rolled to land near Jim's feet. With a bittersweet smile Jim picked up the ball and gently tossed it to the little one, forcing a happy smile when the toddler caught it.

Hodgkin could see Jim's swirling emotions boiling under the surface and asked lightly, "Walk with me, Sentinel?"

Jim nodded and the two men began a slow stroll around the park.

"May I ask you a question? As someone who holds many secrets of his own," Hodgkin asked.

"Okay," Jim replied warily.

"Was there a bond between you and Guide Rafe while you were married?"

"It's supposed to be impossible for a Sentinel to have more than one bond."

"Nice side-step of my question." Hodgkin paused his walking and turned to Jim. "Take my hands."

Jim swallowed nervously but took the older man's hands in his. He felt a gentle brush against his mind, but as quickly as it was there, it was gone.

Hodgkin gave Jim's hands a happy squeeze and smiled. "I was right. You _are_ an Apex Sentinel."

Jim frowned and pulled his hands away. "There's no such thing. Apex Sentinels are just a myth."

"My late Sentinel was an Apex. As are you. I suspect that you've probably had a fairly strong bond with Guide Rafe since the first time he helped you out of a zone. He should not have been able to pull you out of an SAF episode without a bond, and quite frankly, he should not have been able to keep you alive in that isolation shelter without one either as far gone as you were. And if you did have a bond with him at the same time you had a bond with your ex-wife as well as the child she carried, then my friend, you can be nothing other than an Apex Sentinel. Apex have the ability to bond with many Guides at a time, and there is a belief that they can also bond with other, lesser Sentinels as well."

Jim's eyes narrowed and he stared at Hodgkin trying to figure out where the old man was going with all of this.

"Am I wrong about Guide Rafe?" Hodgkin asked.

"And if I say no?" Jim responded shrewdly.

"You'll do nothing but satisfy an old man's curiosity."

Jim could see no duplicity in the Guide's eyes and answered. "You're not wrong. We do have a bond, it wasn't the same as with Carolyn but it's there and it's strong. And, you're right, it did form the first time he pulled me out of a zone."

Hodgkin patted Jim on the shoulder. "You are lucky to have him, Sentinel."

Jim grinned a little in spite of himself. "That I know."

"Have you ever felt drawn to another Sentinel?"

Jim thought about it for a moment before answering. "Once, when I was in the Army. There was this nineteen year-old kid from West Virginia. He was a low-level Sentinel and honestly not very bright. He joined up to get out of an in-bred little town in the Appalachians. Anyway, from the beginning I felt drawn to him, to pull him under my wing so to speak and protect him, help him be a good Sentinel, someone with integrity. I remember that I could _feel_ his fear and loneliness. I don't think it was a true bond, but there was something there."

"Hmph," replied Hodgkin, thinking about what Jim had said.

A woman with a baby carriage walked by and Jim stopped dead in his tracks, prompting Hodgkin to ask, "What is it?"

"Something I didn't mention at the hearing... about... the baby."

"Go on."

"When I first felt the bond, there wasn't much to it, but then it changed about a week later and I could tell that the baby was a Sentinel."

"So you _have_ bonded with another Sentinel."

"I guess I have."

"Have you picked out a counselor yet?" Hodgkin asked, changing the subject.

"No, I've been putting that off. I'm not really big on sharing my feelings with strangers."

Hodgkin chuckled. "Most Sentinels aren't."

"Why do you ask?"

"I have an acquaintance, a young Shaman who works out of Rainier University. Aside from the work he does as a Shaman, he is a doctoral candidate working on his thesis. His field of expertise I think would benefit you."

"Don't tell me, let me guess- Apex Sentinels?" Jim asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"Not specifically. He's more looking into the whole Sentinel-Guide hierarchy and tribe formation. He's quite a remarkable young man. But more importantly I think he's someone who can heal your spirit and perhaps help you find some peace."

"I don't know if that's possible anymore."

Hodgkin handed Jim a business card. "Here's his card if you think you might like to speak with him. He's a good listener and not rigid with preconceived ideas of how Sentinels and Guides should act and feel."

Jim glanced at the card and pocketed it. "I'll think about it."

* * *

_Next Day_

"So... have you started counseling yet?" Simon asked as he lifted his mug to take a sip.

Jim put his own mug down on the table and sighed. "No..."

"Look, Jim. I know how much you don't want to go to counseling but I can't even put you back on desk duty until you at least _start_ seeing someone."

"I know. I'll take care of it tomorrow, Simon."

* * *

Jim held the phone in one hand and a list of DSR certified counselors in the other. He forced his eyes to pick one of doctors on the list and started to dial the phone. Before it could even ring on the other end, he hit the button and ended the call.

He put both the phone and the list down on the table and let out a sigh. He looked towards the windows and, without thinking, strained his vision trying to see what his previously enhanced vision had let him. When he realized what he was trying to he got angry with himself and scrubbed his face with his hands.

He looked back down to the list and frowned. He just couldn't see himself sitting in some doctor's office spilling his guts about how he _feels_ about the loss of his senses and what Carolyn did to him and listening to clinical responses in return from the doctor.

He thought back to his conversation with Hodgkin and got up. Rifling through his jacket pocket he found the business card that Hodgkin had given him.

"Blair Sandburg, Associate Professor, Registered Shaman," Jim read out loud.

Moving to the table where he left the phone, Jim abruptly stopped and turned back around. He grabbed his jacket and keys and left the loft, heading for the university.

tbc...


End file.
